I am finally getting my life together so I pray I will be around to see results...

1/27/11

I had an ultrasound last week and the female technician said that I have several fibroids, one in particular is about 1 1/2" across and on an ovary. Additionally, the symptoms of peri-menopause, which started when I was 40, have slowly grown more bothersome, in other words have become "moderate symptoms" (see below). Anyway, I have to talk to my VA primary care physician (Kelly) about it and find out what procedures are even offered by the VA. Either way, I am not stressing too much and praying about it and I wanted to keep you apprised. Thanks for "listening" and I pray this note finds you well. Love, Me

From a women's health website: If you have fibroids with moderate or severe symptoms, surgery may be the best way to treat them. (In other research I have noted that a total hysterectomy is common.) The main treatment options are listed below but following those are more updates to my health:

--Myomectomy (meye-oh-MEK-tuh-mee) - surgery to remove fibroids without taking out the healthy tissue of the uterus. It is best for women who wish to have children after treatment for their fibroids or who wish to keep their uterus for other reasons.
--Hysterectomy (hiss-tur-EK-tuh-mee) - surgery to remove the uterus. This surgery is the only sure way to cure uterine fibroids. Fibroids are the most common reason that hysterectomy is performed. This surgery is used when a woman's fibroids are large, if she has heavy bleeding, is either near or past menopause, or does not want children.
--Endometrial Ablation (en-doh-MEE-tree-uhl uh-BLAY-shuhn) - the lining of the uterus is removed or destroyed to control very heavy bleeding.
--Uterine Fibroid Embolization (UFE), or Uterine Artery Embolization (UAE) - A thin tube is thread into the blood vessels that supply blood to the fibroid. Then, tiny plastic or gel particles are injected into the blood vessels. This blocks the blood supply to the fibroid, causing it to shrink.

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March 10, 2011

B R E A T H E... I was told I have fibroid tumors that are benign but they can grow to cause other issues...B R E A T H E... I was having some issues not on the list of issues caused by fibroids so my primary care physician at the VA Hospital saw me this week...B R E A T H E...she just called and ruled out everything but one and when asked for specifics, she said the Ultrasound showing fibroids may have been wrong and it could be cancer instead...B R E A T H E...I was cool on the phone but had a slight panic attack after hanging up. She didn't know how long the last test will take to determine if it is cancer...out of all of my scares over the years this one is bothering me the most, on the other hand, I was anticipating having surgery to have the fibroids removed so hopefully everything will have been caught early enough to be rid of whatever it is...B R E A T H E.

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March 11, 2011

One thing that is difficult about Facebook...you CANNOT have expectations about people responding to your posts. If you do, it can lead to heartache, disappointment, etc. when no one responds. Of course when people do respond, it feels like, wow, I am not just on here talking to myself! Thanks so much to those who responded to my cancer concern, your notes touched my heart.

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March 12, 2011

Thanks again to all Facebook friends and family who told me they would be keeping me in their prayers. I am not "worrying" as much right now but I am being practical, which, makes me feel a little more in control of myself (if that makes sense), by updating my life insurance, my advance directive at the VA, and until I write and make a formalized will, letting loved ones know of important wishes.

Instead of sitting around fretting, (the practical things I spoke of before only take so long), I have been trying to decide which of my dreams to work towards. One dream that is really more like an evolution for me, is to seriously continue with my education, whether formally on campus or online, or informally via home study. After checking into home study courses recommended by a Facebook friend, I decided to pursue home study for now considering my overall health. So, I bought 7 courses on DVD & then found a spiritual study course that I thought would bring more peace to me than the other courses right now. It is "the Write to Christ journal writing program for Lent". It involves spiritual journaling using writing exercises with weekly emails, a teleconference and website resources. I am looking forward to beginning the program this Monday.

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March 12, 2011

I know I said above that I would write about my health in this blog but I wanted to add another few thoughts not related to health per se. As I have grown and healed emotionally, it has led to making some difficult decisions. When I started the process of really healing, some people that weren't healthy for me to be around, didn't want me to change so worked against me. I learned in DBT group therapy that ending useless or harmful relationships is a healthy part of the process. So, I have said goodbye or at least made no effort to contact people that fit in that category. I had to get to a place where I could admit to myself that I deserve to be treated respectfully and had to make that my priority.

There is only one person I'm not as committed to backing away from as I believe would be healthier if I did. I met him the day before my sixteenth birthday....we were an item but as time passed (he also lived several states away) we lost touch. Although, we managed to find one another several times over the course of the 28 years or so it has been since we met. I tried to visit him once in 2000 shortly after he found me. I flew to his home state, but once there he refused to see me. I was devastated as I looked my best in all of my years, that year. So, I drown my sorrows shopping for my 3 day visit there. Later I learned he has been in one of those unhealthy relationships (that I mentioned above) with his roommate off and on for many years. It caused him extreme frustration and agony. He finally, really confided in me when we spoke on the phone about his life in the fall of 2010. We also spoke of hooking up, which cheered us both up as we were both single at the time, and we planned to see each other within a month or so after the phone call. The thought of finally seeing him face to face (for the first time in so many years) made me giddy...initially. The more I thought about looking into his eyes again, the more I become sure I couldn't trust my heart. When I shared my concerns and told him I would be there for him by email, chat or phone, he shut down. Finally, he responded to one of my emails with the most harsh email I had ever received from him. It was out of character. As a friend, I wanted to be there, but he had given me the silent treatment (he shut down or shut me out), literally, too many times since 2000, then with that undeserved email from him...well, I'd had enough. I told myself that if he doesn't want me to be there for him, other than hooking up, then why continue trying. Seeing his posts to other people in Facebook became painful for me, especially since I have my own health to be concerned about, so I removed him as a friend on Facebook. I reassured myself that I knew he could easily find a way to reach me if he really wanted. It's been hard knowing I don't matter as much to him, even as a friend, as he does to me. Anyway, the more nervous I've become about my health, the more I've thought about him and that's why I am writing about it now, to get all this off my chest. (Goodnight pj, sniff sniff.)

Here we go again...the day after I originally posted this blog, I received an invitation from pj to join a sports group regarding college basketball which was nice considering how long it's been since he's communicated at all. I will participate in the group as it is just about making sports picks. I am thankful for the asking and I am not even sure why.

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I have felt so much peace the last few months (except for the pj "stuff"). Funny thing is I truly didn't believe I would even live to be 30 so I have been and am thrilled with every year I get older. It is why I am nervous but not frantic while I wait to hear about the cancer verdict. It is out of my control, in God's hands....no time to be sad, instead time to reflect and look forward to all the time I have, whether months or many, many years. Love to all.

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